If I only accept the “bad” parts of me, I undeniably reject the good parts.

Several years ago, when I first entered the world of therapy, I thought to myself I will be here for a session or two maybe. I mean how much can one deny about oneself, I thought I knew myself pretty well. Anyways, come to find out that I didn’t know myself all that well. I had several protective mechanisms that prevented me from being my authentic self as well as fully confidently standing in my values.

As I meandered through relationship building with my therapist, it felt dark and lonely at times. I felt great when I was in session but the moment I left, I felt lost and like I was navigating a new version of myself that I wasn’t sure I was ready for, or quite frankly that I liked…

The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.

~Carl Jung~

I would go for a session or two and then my brain would play these mind tricks convincing me that I didn’t need this, or that I wasn’t ready for this “what felt like a big leap”. Here’s the thing, I didn’t know that your brain scans for danger 4 times per second, now let that sink in, this is in someone who hasn’t experienced reoccurring activated stress responses. Now my brain’s only job is to make sure I am safe, physically, emotionally and psychologically. With this new knowledge, I thought for sure I would be able to identify when I was scanning for danger and how I protected myself. NOPE! Our psyche is so good at creating systems that protect us from perceived danger. Did you know that your brain can’t tell the difference between physical pain and emotional pain? It also can’t tell the difference between reality and fiction. Wild eh!!

I often refer to the danger as the bear, let’s say I convince you with all my great storytelling skills that on the other side of your wall right now, is a big scary bear. However, you’ve learned how to cope with stress is how you’re responding. So maybe you avoid the thought altogether, maybe you redirect and create drama, maybe you overcompensate and hyper-focus on the possibilities, maybe maybe maybe, but here’s the thing, whether or not the bear is there, your nervous system becomes dysregulated and it’s not until you come out of hiding and walk over to see if the bear is there, that you can attempt to regulate yourself again and come back online.

So, entering into therapy for the first time was in a sense confronting the big bad bear and ultimately trying to prove to myself that I was going to get eaten if I went toward the bear.

As humans, we judge, within that judgment is a reflection, I wasn’t willing to look at that judgment when I started therapy. My thought was, if I accept this part of me, this judgment, it means I will not be accepted.

As a human species, we need to feel seen, heard, and known or else it is a direct threat to our survival. When it is unsafe for us to be seen, heard or known, we create a guarded part of ourselves so we don’t feel the pain. There is a part of me that wants to go to therapy and another part of me that doesn’t want to go. Here’s the uncomfortable part, my therapist often wants to talk to the guarded part of me that doesn’t want to be there, so they can find what is so uncomfortable  (A.k.a the bear) and help heal those parts.

As we moved through therapy, we identified the guarded walls that I had built out of protection and survival, so that I could ultimately get the things I wanted in life, whether it be healthy relationships or relationship with self, financial goals, health goals, and so on.

I couldn’t heal if I wasn’t willing to accept the guarded parts of me as well as the parts of me that knew exactly what it wanted.

Healing those wounds is a process, it doesn’t happen overnight, and I, as a therapist do not have the ability to “fix you”. My job is to hold space for you while you work through those deeply ingrained beliefs that overwhelm you emotionally.

Being a human is complex hard work. We cannot survive without other humans, we are relational beings.

Be gentle with yourself and others. We are all just trying to figure out how to move through this journey of being a human.

With love,

Your “easy to talk to therapist”

Kimberly Castle RTC, CAMC

Kimberly Castle is a Registered Therapeutic Counsellor with a private practice in beautiful Kelowna, BC. She focuses on Kelowna Counselling Solutions to empower individuals in all areas of their life. In her practice she works with couples and individuals on a variety of topics including trauma, self-esteem, family and child counselling.