What I learned about trust in working with children.
I’ve worked with children for almost 20 years now, anywhere between the ages of 2 to 17 years old.
Let me tell you, children are complex beings and sometimes it’s challenging to understand the why behind their behaviours.
As a child myself, sometimes I felt invisible and unheard. That feeling is not one that sits well in my body. I hold no fault for my parents because they were genuinely doing the best they could with the skills they had, but let me say that perception is a bit…. let's just say misleading or inaccurate at the best of times.
As children are growing, they are developing their sense of self, which requires safety and trust to build.
After uncovering the suppressed parts of myself over the last couple of decades, I strive to help children feel seen and heard in all their parts.
I’d like to invite you to ponder what it feels like to trust someone. What behaviours do they do that helps you trust them?
Through my conversations in sessions, the resounding conversation often leads back to trust. Let me break this down.
If my perception is that I cannot trust anyone or I can only trust them for certain things, then I am ultimately going to approach situations differently than if I am in full trust.
I often ask children who they can trust. What does trusting someone feel like? The difficulty often lies in the inability to trust that their parents will show up for them the way they want them to. They often can trust their parents with the basic needs of being fed, clothed, sheltered, but it appears hard to trust them in holding a safe space for them to explore their feelings or to be consistent in how they react in the presence of hard or difficult feelings or situations.
I frequently describe trust as a ladder. The higher someone is on the ladder, the more trust I have in them. If I distrust them or lose trust in them, they drop down the ladder.
We all hold certain perceptions based on our experiences of what trust/distrust looks like. Although it’s important to reevaluate our perception frequently because our perception isn’t always accurate. Remember that our brain's only job is to keep us safe from real or perceived harm, either physical, emotional, intellectual, or psychological harm. It will appear to protect you at all cost, but is there always danger? When we feel threatened or inferior, we armor up and protect ourselves. The question is, do I always need to carry my armor around?
The goal is to create flexibility, which then translates into resiliency.
Curious conversations and questioning are so important with children, it allows children to feel safe in re-evaluating their perception.
Here are a few questions to help open up the conversation of trust with your children:
What things do you trust me with? (For example; do you trust me with waking you up in the morning? Do you trust me with getting you to school on time?)
What behaviours do I do that help you feel you can trust me?
What are some things you can’t trust me with?
Why does it feel scary to trust?
What does it feel like to not be able to trust someone?
What does it feel like in your body to trust/distrust someone?
What do I do when I distrust someone?
What could someone do that would lead me to not trust them? (friends or family)
What do you wish you could trust me with?
When we create opportunities for these conversations, we create trust and safety.
Remember to be age appropriate and no age is too young to build trust.
I am not here to be right; I am here to get it right. - Brene Brown.
Your ‘easy to talk to’ therapist,
Kimberly Castle R.T.C CAMC
Kimberly Castle is a Registered Therapeutic Counsellor with a private practice in beautiful Kelowna, BC. She focuses on empowering individuals in all areas of their life. In her practice she works with couples and individuals on a variety of topics including trauma, self-esteem, family and child counselling.
