The Lasting Effects of Emotionally Immature Parents
Children tend to idolize their parents at a young age. To most kids, their parents can do no wrong until around early adolescence when they realize they have flaws. Unfortunately, we are not all given the gift of amazing parents and some kids learn not only do their parents have flaws, but are also emotionally immature. The American Psychological Association defines emotional immaturity as “a tendency to express emotions without restraint or disproportionately to the situation.” Having emotionally immature parents leads to the child taking on an adult role at a very young age. The role they take on can vary widely depending on the type of parent. An illustrative quote from the book, Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson goes as follows: "With a mature parent, the child's remedy for loneliness is simply to go to the parent for affectionate connection. But if your parent was scared of deep feelings, you might have been left with an uneasy sense of shame for needing comforting." (Gibson, 8) This quote depicts emotional neglect which can negatively impact kids by leading to anxiety, depression and a whole host of other issues that often linger into adulthood.
According to Dr. Lindsay Gibson, there are four types of emotionally immature parents. There are the driven parents, who attempt to make everyone that surrounds them perfect which leads to their kids facing an immense amount of pressure. Passive parents intentionally avoid conflict, which leads to their kids suppressing feelings of anger and developing an inability to deal with conflict themselves. Another type of immature parent are the rejecting parents who intentionally avoid their kids and come off as if they don't enjoy spending time with them. This can lead to the kids feeling unloved and rejected by the people in their lives. The final type of parent is the emotional parent who experiences intense and illogical mood swings that can instill anxiety in their children. These kinds of parents create problems, as kids of immature parents have a higher risk of developing these same tendencies when they are adults. This is because when kids grow up with unemotionally available parents they are not taught the proper ways to raise children of their own. Lindsay Gibson sorted the adult children of these immature parents into two groups, the internalizers and the externalizers.
An internalizer is someone who sacrifices their happiness in order to take care of others and often suffers from anxiety when the situation doesn't go the way they expect. An externalizer is extremely reactive, relies on praise and love from others to be happy and can have trouble learning from past mistakes. These two categories of people are both trauma-filled and oftentimes pass the trauma they inherited from their parents onto their kids. Unfortunately, this cycle can continue for a very long time before it is broken. Consequently, it is vital to identify these traits and if they are evident, talk to a professional who can help you recover from the trauma you may have experienced at a young age.
Your “easy to talk to therapist”
Kimberly Castle RTC, CAMC
Kimberly Castle is a Registered Counsellor with a private practice in beautiful Kelowna, BC. She focuses on Kelowna Counselling Solutions to empower individuals in all areas of their life. In her practice she works with individuals on a variety of topics including trauma, self-esteem, Kelowna depression counselling and is your source for all things Online Counselling.
Blog contribution by Olson Russello undergraduate student at University of Washington
References:
Gibson, Lindsay C. Adult children of emotionally immature parents: How to heal from distant, rejecting, or self-involved parents. New Harbinger Publications, 2015
